THE NEW GRANDMOTHER RULES: SLEEPOVER AT GRANDMA’S

Over the hill and through the snow, to grandmother’s house we go… oops, that’s another story. This one is about going to Grandma’s for a sleepover.

Back in the day, going to my grandmother’s house for an overnight visits was… well, an overnight visit. Oh, we did have fun, like making peanut brittle and watching television, but mostly it had a very proper feeling to it. My grandmother never got wild and crazy and there were always rules and a bedtime curfew, even on a Saturday night.

That’s not so much the case these days. Many of us grandboomers see an overnight visit with the grandkids as a perfect justification for a sleepover. You know, those movie-marathon, pizza-and-ice-cream-eating binges, up-to-all-hours sleepovers. And it seems a lot of grandmothers out there can out sleepover the wildest of tweens.

Take for example Amy Graff’s disturbance with her own parents as posted on the Mommy Files blog. “Eating ice cream in the bathtub? Watching Cinderella seven times in row? Staying up until nine--on a school night? My parent's lack of rules irked me,” she wrote.

Wow, eating ice cream in the bathtub! I hadn’t thought of that one.

Okay, not all grandparent-grandchild sleepovers turn into a bad “Animal House” imitation. Most sleepovers at the grandparents’ house fall somewhere in the middle a bedlam and a snooze fest. However, it doesn’t matter whether the visits are a little on the wild side or prim and proper, there are some very good reasons for children to spend time with the grandparents, especially with a sleep over.

Most experts, like Dr. Ruth Peters, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and MSNBC contributor, say staying with grandparents—from one night or a month—is a good thing. “This teaches independence and self-reliance,” she says.

Isn’t that what parenting—and grandparenting—is all about? Encouraging a child’s sense of independence is part of a child’s overall development. Clingy, frightened children are more likely to become neurotic adults (I don’t have clinical evidence of that, but it makes sense).

Yes, sending a child off to a stranger’s house is scary and should only be done after a thorough investigation (fingerprints and DNA samples at a minimum). I’m exaggerating and there will be a time and plan for overnighters at friends and camp, but a first sleepover at grandma’s should be a no brainer. After all, Mary Pipher, clinical physiologist and author of the New York Times bestseller Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, believes kids need to spend more time with the grandparents.

There’s no right age to send the child to the grandparents for a sleepover. But it only makes sense that starting earlier is better. A child spending his first night over at grandma and grandpa’s at six years-old is going to have a whole different experience than the six year-old who’s been staying with the grandparents since he was six weeks-old.

But sometimes it isn’t the child who is the problem.

Sometimes parents have the biggest bouts of separation anxiety, even when they know their children are with their own parents. Part of the problem is young parents seem to think they are the first to experience those parenting trials and tribulations. Maybe we have ourselves to blame for that. Many of us baby boomers discounted what previous generations had to say about child rearing. We went on to experiment and find our own answers. Sometimes for the better and sometimes… well, sometimes those are the mistakes we want our own children to avoid.

Fortunately, our children are smart (after all, they are our children) and can figure it out. As Amy Graff went on to say in the Mommy Files blog, “after all, my parents raised me, and I turned out only somewhat demented. I've also recognized the importance of the relationship between my kids and their grandparents. Grandma Cathy and Grandpa Terry are the only people in the world (except Grandma Linda) who think my children are perfect. And their house is the only place where they can go and not hear the word "no" continuously. The last thing their relationship needs is for me to tamper with it.”

So what do we do to help ease the sleepover anxiety. Well, as mothers and grandmothers we walk a fine line. Just as we ever so gently introduced new things to our children as they were growing up, we now have to gently introduce the idea of  a sleepover at grandma’s.   

There's loads of fun ideas for grandparents and kids in these books.

• Lose the panic. Help your children understand their anxiety is normal. After all, their children will be out of sight and their safety net, even if the sleepover is with the grandparents.
• Make it an adventure. Buy a kid-sized suitcase or backpack for this first sleepover. Then mom and dad help your grandchild pack and talk about all the fun things they’ll do at grandma and grandpa’s.
• Set the agenda. Talk about the fun things that you plan to do with the grandkids, whether it’s baking cookies or planning safari in the backyard. Not only will this get the children excited, but it will give mom and dad piece of mind.
• Keep parents informed. Send pictures of the fun the grandchild is having through email or cell phone.

• Indoor camp out (pitch a tent, roll out the sleeping bags, make s’mores)
• Movie night (don’t forget the popcorn)
• Build a family book with scanned photos and captions
• Start a band with improvised instruments
• Try out new recipes (check out videos on the Internet)
• Make an easy craft, like a memory box or fleece knotted blanket
• Teach your grandchildren to whistle (a grandpa thing)
• Learn new games (this is a two-way street)
• Act like animals (paint face and lots of roars moos)
• Star gaze and learn about the constellations